Note to self #26-27: Not every guy with a nice smile and aspirations is worth your time... I’m serious.
Let’s call him Mr. Fucking Difficult. At least that’s what I have him saved under in my phone as of now. Mr. Fucking Difficult. I have a photo of him saved under his contact to remind me of his face. It’s his best selfie. He’d fall into that category of black men you’d see on Instagram. Smooth dark skin. A gorgeous smile with a set of beautiful white teeth that makes you think twice about your dental plan. Deep brown eyes that can hold a woman captive in his gaze.
And then there’s that damn beard.
Beard gang all day, baby! And his was to die for. It wasn’t excessive like some men have shown in interest in. He didn’t look swallowed up in facial hair. I could see his face! With or without his beard the man looked good. It fit him, and he was fine.
FINE. Yet, even though his face and overall swag was a gift from the heavens above, his personality was shit. Well, not completely, but in general. Mr. Fucking Difficult didn’t get that name for no reason. I have him saved in my phone (blocked) as a reminder to think twice. I met him online back in April of 2017. He messaged me. We talked. Exchanged numbers. And it continued from there. In the beginning, he was cool. We laughed and flirted, and he was quite expressive. Not in a sexual sense, but more of a, “Nah, I deadass like you,” kind of way. He claimed to be playing no games, and to prove a point he, in this roundabout way, put me on to the fact that we were more than just dating. We became exclusive. And then things changed. He began acting different. At first it began with some of the slick things he would say when we spoke. I wasn’t alarmed at first since I almost always have a comeback, and that was our thing. We took playful jabs at one another. But after a while, his jabs didn’t feel playful anymore. They were hurtful and in no way funny. His communication started slacking next. It got to a point where we were mostly texting one another and rarely spoke on the phone. And when we did talk, we argued because of the slick things I would say in defense to what he would say to me. It was petty as hell and toxic as fuck. Finally, one night during another petty back-and-forth conversation between us, he revealed something that should’ve been brought up before he asked me to be his damn girlfriend. He still lived with the mother of his child. Yes, I asked his if he had kids and what his living situation was. Yes, he told me had a daughter, but he said he got her on the weekends. Whenever his living quarters came up in any sort of situation, him living with someone else, let alone the mother of his child, never came up. Mr. Fucking Difficult. I was too through. I immediately became infuriated with the thought of being with this man. I felt tricked into a situation that looked appealing and smelled damn good. I was upset at a few things: 1. He didn’t tell me about them still living with one another. This proved he could no longer be trusted. Only God knows what else he lied to me about, and I didn’t care to find out. 2. He was mean. ‘Stank’ isn’t quite the adjective to describe his shitty personality at times. I’m stank. That bearded crusader, on the other hand, was cruel. 3. I felt like a fool for falling for an attractive man that had nothing to bring to the table besides headaches. The least he could’ve done was come with some sort of metaphorical aspirin, but I guess that’s asking for too much. After breaking up with him via text (yes, I did it and I don’t regret it--screw him!), something changed in me. It was as if something in me clicked out of nowhere. A “fuck it” mentality emerged. I wasn’t about to get hung up on some guy who ultimately didn’t care about me. I dubbed that moment as a lesson learned and planned never to repeat THAT mess again. My views on the dating game changed for the umpteenth time. Sadly, my guard went up a bit more. Another set of bricks added to this wall of uncertainty towards men. As a result, I became someone else’s waste of time and effort. I transformed into a pretty face with no motives of taking any of her partners seriously. For a while. Play or get played. It’s an unspoken rule in the dating realm that I have mixed feelings about. A person should be able to date with the desire to be emotionally daring. Being a savage is only fun when it comes to reliving the moments to tell a friend...or eight. Gossiping due to some temporary partner’s sad attempt at third base or just them period is great and all until it becomes a cycle. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want that. The savage lifestyle is fun, but it’s not who I am. I’m not a waste of time or just another girl on the prowl. I’m a grown ass woman who has feelings. Despite my flaws, I’m compassionate, thoughtful, romantic, adventurous, playful, loyal, and more. I’d rather share that side of me with one guy versus having yet another story about a dude who didn’t quite make the cut.
So I decided to make a conscious decision to change that about myself. You are what you attract. I can’t expect myself to meet someone who is on the same page as me if I don’t even know what page I’m on. Without knowing exactly what I want and what I’m willing to accept, I’m going to find myself settling for a lot of things. Therefore, a nice smile and aspirations aren’t good enough for me anymore.
Now I date with a new strategy in mind. No, it’s not another game. More like me being more mindful this time. I notice more things about my partner, I’m never afraid to ask a question, and I remember what I learned from all the lessons that I’ve learned from the past. This is someone who is essentially interviewing to be apart of my life. Why not screen them a little bit and just be observant of who they are in general?
But most importantly: don’t take it personal.
Yes, it is fine and dandy to feel the loss of someone you actually liked, but it just wasn’t in the cards. Feel it! Feel it all in your chest, but then stop. It ended for a reason, so learn from it. There’s no point in really mourning the situation if said situation isn’t even worried about you. Life is one giant learning lesson filled with categories and subcategories. Dating just so happens to be a subcategory in one of the biggest categories of all: love. Therefore, learn what you can and actually apply it. We’ll pass at some point.