The Start of a Start
Note to self #2: Always secure the bag
It’s March 13th, 2017.
Today, I start my new job.
I wish I could tell you how I hit the pavement looking for work after that moment in 2016 that is now entitled “Doomsday.” There’s a part of me that wishes there was some dramatic moment in between jobs. A kind in which I finally broke down to the bare bones of myself and rose from the ashes like the badass phoenix that I am. Instead, this was when pretending to be hopeful was no longer a gimmick.
While traveling back home from Doomsday, I was already in the works of creating what could potentially be a safety net. During a time when I was low, I began planning my comeback … for the second time.
Another time, different story.
Before making radio a full time gig, I worked in digital marketing. I was an analyst who couldn’t explain her job in a way for others to understand. Shit, I’m still trying to understand it. The best way I could break it down was, “I track the efficiency of ads. [nervous laugh]” Yet, it was so much more than that. We tracked ads, made digital planners think they were digital advertising masters, built databases, built dashboards, gave recommendations on ad placement, and still there was more.
I met a friend in between working at one popular digital marketing agency and a well known news station. She was my only anchor left into some actual money and wouldn’t question me about my career choices unless I was in the mood to talk -- and I wasn’t. When I contacted her during that trek home, all I could think about was getting back to 50k or more after struggling with just under 24k. In my mind, those who had a hand in Doomsday were now going to feel some sort of way once they saw how quick I bounced back.
I’m not sure what feeling I was going for, but something between the margins of resentment or jealousy would be a good start.Not only did I find another job in the very industry I left behind for a whim and a punk ass 24k as a salary, but I was now making making way more than when I left the industry in the first place. And to add a cherry on top, I was hired by another bomb ass agency in the game. Forget about the work that lies ahead. Or the long nights of dealing with an Access database because I had to compact and repair for the fourth time just to get one query done.
It was the start of a start.
For some reason, I instinctively knew to secure the bag before I could crash and burn. Through a bucket of tears and ears filled with Adele’s soothing voice dripped in pain, the fighter in me took over for a moment to help keep my head above water as best as she could. Her name is Fenom, ladies and gentlemen. And she helps keep me afloat.
I love that part of me, the fighter within.
I didn’t mind crying. I needed to give myself the opportunity to really feel this loss one good time before I hit my parent’s house. But that was it. Fenom swooped in like the superhero she is and made sure to continue moving forward. “Always forward,” as Luke Cage would say. And Fenom knew that. Which is why I made that call to an old friend, had the nerve-racking interview, submitted background information as well as 3 references, and waited almost 2 months for an official start date. And then I sat on the train to begin my first day of many at my job.
The start of a start. My hopeful reminder that I’m going to be okay.
While I took a second to allow myself to feel this moment, she kicked in. She reminded me that life goes on. It is perfectly fine to put things in the rearview mirror and just go. That opportunity that led to Doomsday obviously wasn’t for me, and I’m not mad at that at all. Well, now I’m not.
I remember a friend asking me, “What do you want out of your life?”
With a smile and not an ounce of doubt I responded with, “Anything that makes me happy and allows me to live comfortably.”
It wasn’t until recently that I’ve come to terms with the idea that radio just may not be for me. Yes, I was happy, but I wasn’t comfortable. I would’ve been living check to check in an apartment with just bedroom furniture. Radio would’ve put me in a financial setback that I no longer wanted parts of. I chose not to be happily semi broke. I would’ve been doing what makes me happy, but I wouldn’t have that financial freedom I was searching for.
And then I found digital advertising.
I will admit I’ve grown to like this industry. Take away the socializing, because despite me being friendly, I’m not big on people like that. I enjoy what I do. Analytics reminds me how smart I am. I am more than just a personality and a great smile. I’m smart as fuck. Smarter than I originally thought, honestly. It pushes me and revealed to me a brand new talent I wasn’t even aware of. A new path.
My point is push. Keep fighting no matter what. When things begin to get overwhelming and confusing, push. Now is not the time to give up. The moment you’ve done that, you’ve already lost. It’s okay to cry and let it all out, but don’t dwell in it. Let that sadness be your fuel to go even harder than last time. We all fall down, but not all of us get up. Be sure to get up. The fighter in you wants you to.